When the Holidays Hurt:

Navigating the Season After a Child’s Sexual Trauma

As a mental health professional who works closely with children impacted by sexual abuse—and as a parent of a child who experienced sexual trauma—I know firsthand how complicated the holiday season can become. What many families look forward to as a time of joy, connection, and tradition can instead feel heavy, unpredictable, and emotionally exhausting when trauma is part of the story.

1. Holidays Highlight the Loss of “Normal”

Family gatherings may no longer look the same. The child’s sense of safety has changed, and so has the family’s structure, routines, and expectations. The pressure to “pretend everything is fine” can be intense, especially when extended family doesn’t know the full story—or can’t fully understand it.

As both a clinician and a parent, I’ve had to remind myself that grief shows up during the holidays in profound ways. What was once familiar now feels foreign.

2. Safety Planning Becomes the Priority

Often the perpetrator of sexual trauma is within the family or someone close to the family.  When this occurs, the family has to navigate new boundaries to increase a sense of safety:

• Children may no longer attend certain gatherings

• One sibling may no longer be in the home

• Adults must supervise constantly

• Traditions might be paused or reimagined

The need for a detailed safety plan can feel at odds with the spontaneity of holiday celebrations, but it’s an act of love. Safety comes before social expectations—always.

3. Triggers Are Everywhere

Lights, smells, music, certain relatives, comments about “being nice” or “giving hugs”—all can activate trauma responses. Even well-meaning adults may unintentionally say things that make the child uncomfortable.

The holidays often create sensory and emotional overload, and survivors may show increased irritability, withdrawal, clinginess, sleep disruptions, or anxiety. For caregivers, these responses can bring feelings of helplessness, frustration, or guilt.

4. Parents Carry Their Own Trauma Too

Supporting a child through sexual trauma reshapes a parent’s inner world. Holidays can stir up:

• Guilt for not knowing or missing signs

• Anger at the situation or the perpetrating family member

• Sadness over the loss of the family they imagined

• Fear of judgment from others

Parents often feel pressure to hold everything together while they themselves are grieving.

5. Permission to Create a New Kind of Holiday

Healing requires space, choice, and gentleness. Families may need to:

• Limit events or decline invitations

• Create new traditions that feel safer

• Prioritize one-on-one time

• Allow quiet, rest-focused holidays

• Set firm boundaries without apology

Your holiday doesn’t need to match anyone else’s—not even past versions of your own.

6. Connection—Not Perfection—Is What Heals

Children recovering from trauma need presence more than presents. They need attuned caregivers who notice their cues, honor their limits, and reinforce safety.

Parents need support as well—safe people, trauma-informed guidance, and moments of compassion for themselves.

If this season feels difficult, it’s not because you’re doing anything wrong. It’s because your family has lived through something profoundly painful, and you’re doing the hard work of healing.

You are allowed to make the holidays what your family truly needs: slower, quieter, safer, and rooted in care rather than expectation.

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📧 Email: bridget@bridgetsempowermentsolutions.com
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