Teaching kids how secrets become harmful and unsafe

There are many types of secrets.  Some can be healthy, and others can be unhealthy.  Secrets can have an impact on children and impact their emotional, cognitive and physical well-being. 

Healthy Secrets:

Children should be informed that the only secrets that are healthy are surprises. This could be a surprise birthday party, what is in a gift, or a secret handshake.  These secrets are meant to bring joy to someone and will not be used to hurt someone’s feelings.  They promote good relationships.

Unhealthy secrets:

There are many types of secrets that can cause harm to children.  Examples of unhealthy secrets for children to keep include abuse, inappropriate touching, bullying, illegal activities, threats, stealing, dangerous behavior, or anything that makes them feel uncomfortable.  If someone tells the child not to tell a trusted adult, it is a sign that it is not a secret to keep to themselves. Children may have been told not to tell or feel if they tell the secret it will get them or someone else in trouble.  There are many reasons children do not feel they can tell a secret.  If a trusted adult asks them not to tell a secret it can cause an increased fear. Children feel they need to obey rules or adult requests out of fear that there will be consequences.  At times adults can threaten the child and cause increased fear preventing them to come forward to talk about what is happening or making them feel unsafe. When these forms of secrets are kept by children, they can grow to have increased fear, self-blame and guilt. 

Tips to help children talk about secrets

1.       Teach children there is no such thing as a good secret and the only time this would be ok is if it was a surprise for someone. Explain to children that surprises are things that people will know soon. Surprises and secrets are very different.

2.       Coach children to confide in you or a trusted adult in their life. The important adults in their life are there to help them navigate hard situations.  Children are still learning and have limited knowledge and experience of how to handle hard things.  Parents and trusted adults are there for them to help them figure out problems when they are confused or don’t know what to do. Tell children that we all make mistakes, and you are loved no matter what you do or what happens.  Teach and demonstrate to them that no matter what they say you will stay calm and help them feel better.  

3.       Praise kids when they come to you with hard things.  The more you do not overreact and provide support, the more comfortable children will be to come to you as a trusted adult when things become difficult, or they find themselves in a difficult unsafe situation.

4.       When children come to you always say, “I believe you”.  No matter what the secret is it is important to help the child feel believed.  When children are sexually abused and come to an adult and are told, “that can’t be true”, “they wouldn’t do that”.  It makes them feel they are not believed by trusted adults.  It is crucial to allow the child to feel safe with secrets that make them feel very vulnerable and scared.

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